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青春总是无忌惮的歌  

2010-03-25 20:27:31|  分类: BLABLABLA |  标签: |举报 |字号 订阅

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something unexpected happened today

once i thought renren.com was such an open platform that i could not even express my feelings deep inside on that. but this morning i was afraid that even this blog would not be my shelter anymore.

i always put my real feelings here, asserting that this place would be my last and only wonderland. the diaries(if u wanna call them diaries) and articles i put here, can be seen only by the guys i knew o some strangers far far away from me.

but this morning when i  realized that the people i wrote in my diaries would even see into my blog, i was totally shocked. after quite a long time i felt panic. yep, i felt panic when i found out that.

didn't mean to "abuse" him, tho i know the words using to described my professor seemed weird. all i wanted to express was that i was so happy to go to his class in my last four months in tsinghua. but since he didn't know much about the words i used, he would misunderstand them, and so was i misunderstood.

after the class, the moment i rushed back to my dorm, i closed my blog ASAP, fearing that others would see into my blog anymore. then i thought i didn't need to worry abt that.

but things didn't go so right. i still felt panic n terrible, not for my blog's being checked thru by my professor, but for stupid things i did when i heard about his seeing my blog. after thinking for the whole afternoon, i suddenly realized sth.

when i was younger, i was threatened by some girl in my junior school. she's kinda enjoying-fight type. at that situation, everyone with no help, like me, should've been afraid and asking for forgiveness. but i didn't. all i did was negotiating with her n even "escaped" the threat.

this winter, i took my friend from other cities to my hometown. i showed her the church in my city n told her that i used to crash into the church when nobody's on guard. she was surprised by my bravery. n she's even shocked about my treating the local government as my playground n visiting there so often when i'was younger.

this afternoon, when i thought abt these, then i realized that all i have been afraid of was the growing panic during my life. when i was younger, i had actually no fear on anything at all. but this morning, i was totally shocked by a stupid little thing! that's why i've been nervous.

teenagers always enjoyed adventure. but when the days have passed away, we began to be afraid of sth. we'r afraid of being blamed, being teased, even being a silly special person. then life becomes more life-kind. that's the life!

then i reopened my blog n had fear on nothing any more. that terrible feeling has gone. like the guys told me, all i did was talking abt my feeling, n the words i used were to express that i like the course n professor. this place is welcoming to everyone, n this place is somewhere my shelter is.

people goes by, but i'm still me. since teenage's gone, i should live my fucking little life still.

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